Over at Chez Dingle, Zak is up early after a disturbed night (we are able to accurately detect the precise time of day by the helpful scene-setting crowing outside the window -- and that, incidentally, is why I could never be a cockerel: too many early mornings). "I can't get over," he tells Lisa, "how a woman would do summat like that." I personally think he's being a bit hard on her: I expect she was only trying to take his mind off the whole Rosemary Debacle -- and, anyway, a lot of men like that sort of thing in the bedroom!
...Oh, no, sorry, the 'woman' in question is apparently Rosemary. Which is probably for the best: the last time Lisa and Zak did something adventurous like that, their punishment was Belle.
Talking of: "The point is, though," says Lisa, "what are we going to do about Belle?" An excellent question, and although there's no one specific answer, I've heard there are some very humane (yet effective) options available if you've got the right contacts. "If we don't think of something, this spelling competition at the school is going to be the last thing she ever does there!" Yes, but like I said, if you do think of 'something', it could be the last thing she ever does full stop!
You know, it's a tricky word to spell, A-S-S-A-S-S-I-N.
(I am naturally not in any way advocating hiring contract killers to finish off small children)
(Only if they really annoy you)
(No, but seriously, please don't call the police)
Meanwhile, if we turn our attention to paragraphs which don't invite warrants for my arrest, in a shift from occasionally puerile humour to something slightly more sophisticated, Paddy slips on some poo.
Debbie tells Pollard she's got a meeting later with a buyer who's offering 'realistic money'. Now, if that's the same kind of "realistic" as we use in the sentence "Debbie is incredibly realistic both as a mastermind mechanic and a cheerful sort of person with a sunny disposition", then I expect it might look something like this:
At the cafe, Betty, Edna and Pearl frown disapprovingly as Emily mentally undresses Bishop George. I would imagine that this is something normally frowned upon by the church -- as far as I can gather, bishops aren't allowed even to hypothetically remove their clothing in a situation where an innocent parishioner might see them (in fact, I expect most of them remain fully-clothed even in the bath, in case God might smite them in his rage at seeing an uncovered Holy Belly-Button). This website, by the way, would be more accurately named "My Blog of Wholly Accurate Religious Trivia and Learnings".
EMILY: "Morning, Bishop."
BISHOP: "Now, we've had this discussion before..."
EMILY: "Sorry -- George."
BISHOP: "Well, I was thinking more along the lines of 'Sexy Manmeat', but I suppose that will suffice..."
As Belle arrives for the spelling competition, so do Zak and Lisa, who want to have a little word with Belle's teacher. She tells them that she's had a word with the chair of the board of governors, but unfortunately he doesn't want Belle either. She claims that Belle is an "outstanding pupil", and that she's very "upset" about the whole situation, but before Zak can try and ask to actually prove this unlikely claim, she tells him (with a mild tone of desperation) that, even if they could make exceptions, "there is no spare money in the budget." Come on, guys, take a hint! "I am really sorry," she tells them, before dashing back inside to try and finish writing 100 lines of "I must not tell lies to the parents of devil-children" before the competition starts.
At the pub, Paddy is upset that Rosemary left without giving him a forwarding address he could return the 'little present' she left behind to. We also learn that Rosemary's dogs are called 'Bubbles' and 'Coco'. I would have thought that those were slightly misleadingly frivolous nicknames for Satan's hellhounds ('Cerberus' is more traditional), but who am I to criticise?
And over at the garage, Debbie is unimpressed by the offer her 'contact' has put in for the necklace. Current economic climates must make things for legitimate businesswomen like her: all those troubles with the mortgage markets at the moment have really taken their toll on Marks & Spencer's chocolate coin exchange rate! The way things are going, she'd probably be better off just swapping the necklace for a Snickers down the local newsagent.
As she leaves the garage, Lexi walks past Daz (who's being wasted on all this mechanic stuff: he'd be a natural in the 'security guard' field!), picks up the phone Debbie's just put down, presses redial, and asks exactly who she's talking to. "Little bitch," she mutters, after putting it down. Now, honestly, I know it's annoying when the people at Pizza Hut get your order wrong, but really! There is no need for such rudeness!
At the pub, Paddy tries to find out where Rosemary is from Gray, who's more interested in ordering his lunch (fillet steak, medium rare). This is either his coded admission that he murdered Rosemary in the last advert break and is planning on serving her up in a delicious meal, or he's kind of hungry and fancies some steak. Your call. (But I know which one I'd put my money on!)
Back at the school, Lisa admits to Belle, the ONLY CHILD IN THE UNIVERSE WHO WOULD BE EVEN SLIGHTLY UPSET BY THIS NEWS, that they're going to have to take her out of the school once the competition's over. Belle tries to suggest alternative solutions, seemingly unable to fully grasp the concept of 'we have no money'. IT'S ONLY A PITY THEY DON'T TEACH ACCOUNTANCY AT THAT POSH SCHOOL OF HERS.
As Debbie goes crawling back to Eric, the spelling competition begins. After successfully spelling 'disappointed' and 'elated', she's asked to correctly use the latter in a sentence for a bonus point. "I was elated when I scored 98% in the entrance exam to my school," she says, "but now I am sad." They asked for a sentence, Belle, not anovel that would make 'War and Peace' look like an unassuming little short story.
At the pub, Emily and Bishop George have been having a chat for quite some time! FUN FACT: Did you know that 86% of conversations between vergers and bishops end up leading to full-blown intercourse? Apparently, the Pope is very concerned about the whole matter, and has asked any elderly women who happen to witness such a scene to intervene immediately! Enter Betty, Pearl and Edna...
And, at the competition, we are told that we have a "clear winner". Yes, it's Belle Dingle, who is able to spell a staggering three different words! Belle gives a lengthy speech about how much she loves her amazing school and how devastated she will be if she's forced to leave it. Ah well, it's nice to know that even though the Dingles might not be able to afford a proper holiday this year, Belle has at least treated them to a nice little guilt-trip.
So, while Zak considers Desperate Measures for Belle's Sake (although not the kind that I would prefer), Belle visits Gray to try and borrow a few quid off him. Unfortunately for her, he's not hugely receptive to her pleas: he's busy being driven to drink. Well, it's cheaper than getting the bus.
And, finally, despite the warnings of his family, Zak decides that he'll have to fight O'Shea -- who is apparently known as the 'widow maker'. What you probably didn't know about him, however, is that he actually used to be a travelling window salesman, before an unfortunate typo on a set of business cards forced him to rethink his career choices.
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