WEDNESDAY 12th SEPTEMBER 2007

Okay, this seems as good a time as any to tell you about my ALMIGHTY DILEMMA TO END ALL DILEMMAS, as well as my inspired possible solution.

THE PROBLEM:

Should Perdy end up with Matthew or Grayson? You see, most of the time I think Perdy and Grayson are really good (also, hot) together (and then there's also all that sanctity of marriage stuff, yadda yadda), but then he goes and does something UNSPEAKABLY INSUFFERABLE and I find myself unable to come up with one good reason why Perdy is not at it with Matthew as we speak. It is, as you will see, a quandary.

But, there is hope!

PROPOSED SOLUTION:


Now, this little baby is what I like to call the 'Grayson, you absolute git!' button. Which, if marketed right, I genuinely believe could rival even sliced bread in the absolute genius stakes (I may even sell it with small tubs of jam and butter, such is my conviction).

Basically, the concept is this: when Grayson starts being a pompous prat, I will press the button, which will result in an alarm immediately going off in the Emmerdale studios, which will be Perdy's cue to sprint over to Home Farm as quickly as is humanly possible and pretend she's now married to Matthew King. It will also (and this is the particularly nifty bit) instantaneously transport some sort of really big stick over to where they're filming, with which one of the crew can whack Grayson over the head until he stops annoying me.

If Gray later redeems himself, I will simply press this button:


and Perdy will leg it back to Mill Cottage as quickly as she can!

Georgia Slowe gets some free exercise, I'm saved from making any tough decisions, quite literally everyone wins! (Bar the loser who came up with the idea of 'sliced bread', obviously. How much of an idiot must he be feeling now?!)


Anyway, I'm afraid there's just a short recap (a "weecap", if you will) tonight, because people keep inconveniently asking me to go out and do things with them. DO THEY HAVE HAVE NO SENSE OF PRIORITY WHATSOEVER?


In this episode, we discover that Rosemary, if pressed to choose, prefers to Plot Evilly by candlelight in the living room, which is excellent if you're the sort of arch-nemesis whose main priority is the aesthetics of your wicked deeds, but not so clever if you don't actually want your daughter-in-law to discover you forging her suicide note. Which she does, because, fair enough, if I woke up in the middle of the night my mind would probably leap to "OH GOD MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE" before "Nah, it's okay, my husband's mother's just plotting my downfall again, might as well go back to bed." But this is possibly because

a) I do not have a husband, and
b) As a Girl Guide "Fire Safety" badge-holder, I take my responsibilities very seriously.


All is not lost, though, because Rosemary does have the good sense to quickly hide her cauldron, broomstick, toad and fake suicide note before Perdy comes into the room. The only problem is, she neglects to also hide the rest of the pad of paper she was writing on. "Why," she probably thought to herself, "it's not like any sort of plucky girl detective is going to thwart my wrongdoing!"


THAT, I THINK YOU WILL FIND, WILL TEACH HER TO RECKON WITHOUT PERDITA DREW.


Things That Finally Happen:

• David finally meets the mysterious DeSouza -- but only after she keeps him waiting around for a while first, because she is in a 'meeting' (read: 'admiring her lovely long legs'). After some time, he asks why she's not out yet. It's called "dramatic suspense for people who don't read spoilers", young David.
  
  
  Unfortunately, unless David happened to watch the programme before he was cast in it at all, the unveiling of DeSouza (which is played out with the customary 'spinning round on chair' action -- I don't know how producers managed to cope when they did this sort of scene in the days before wheely chairs) probably didn't have that much of an impact on him.
  
  
• (Oh, DeSouza's Nicola Blackstock by the way)
  
  
• Bishop George and Emily finally get it on in the vestry.
  
  
• (Well, they haven't yet, but it's a mere MATTER OF TIME)
  
  
• Andy finally discovers that he does have one romantic bone in his body, it's just that he was having difficulty locating it under all those bulging muscles (talking of: can we say 'overcompensation'?)
  
  
  
• Dr Prentice finally learns that there is such a thing as good betrayal of patient confidentiality.
  
  
  
• Grayson finally, finally, finally twigs that sunshine does not permanently emanate from his mother, that she does not spend her days frolicking with little fluffy bunnies and giving little orphan children sweeties, and that she does run classes in 'poisoning one's daughter-in-law' at the Hotten community centre.
  
  
• Ooh, he's just like that Inspecter Morse off the TV!