The episode opens with Shadrach, Belle and Zak walking idly down the road while a bus tries its hardest to knock them all down. None of them seem to be at all bothered by this THREAT OF IMMINENT DEATH, probably because Zak could easily beat it in some sort of, I don't know, bare fist fight? DO YOU SEE HOW I SUBTLY REINTRODUCED THAT STORYLINE FROM A FEW WEEKS BACK THERE? Shadders does the same thing, only not so skilfully: "Word has it," he says cheerfully, "that Michael O'Shea's upped the offer, providing with it a new plot device!" My link was so much better.
At this point, Belle, as is her wont, starts asking irritating questions, so they bundle her quickly onto the bus (er, lads, onto... under... really whatever feels natural). Before it drives away, Shadrach warns her that he hopes she's not going to "act clever and start irritating people". Shadders. Mate. In the time since that particular horse bolted, it's had enough time to go on a mad killing spree (wiping out at least 14 small Oxfordshire villages), get arrested, break free in a dramatic feat of show-jumping, make a living selling drugs to small children and shooting a few puppies just for good measure, find God, repent, and retire to a pleasant holiday barn in Spain. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT DOWN THE STABLE DOOR.
Oh, and then Eli pops unexpectedly out of a hedge. And even though I think Eli is a fantastic character, he is also one of the few people who can tell someone he's been sleeping rough in a ditch and leave them feeling desperately sorry for the undergrowth. But, anyway, he offers Zak some 'kit', to which Zak responds with one of the best "Do I look like the sort of person who buys stolen goods off of talking shrubbery?" looks I've seen in quite some time. And, with that, he and Shadrach stride haughtily off to the cafe for breakfast. Well, Zak strides haughtily -- Shadrach just sort of follows hopefully with the face of a man who senses a free meal.
Meanwhile, at Home Farm, Rodney presents Matthew with a necklace. "Oh, Rodders," cries Matthew, clasping it lovingly to his chest, "It's simply lovely! Come here, you loveable old rapscallion!". They embrace passionately, and -- oh, wait, sorry, wrong website. No, in actual fact, Rodney is informing Matthew of his IMPORTANT FINDINGS regarding Hotten's SEETHING HOTBED of HEINOUS JEWELLERY HEISTS committed by YOUNG MECHANICS (it's really getting to be something of an epidemic, but what can you do? Those cars just won't fix themselves!). Rodders reckons that there was never a real necklace, and that this whole thing was all a TERRIBLE SCAM. (Which it was, but not in the way he thinks). Following this revelation, Matthew is marginally horrified. Either that, or amused. Or angry. Or slightly baffled. WHEN SOMEONE ONLY HAS ONE AND A HALF FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, IT'S HARD TO TELL, OKAY.
Anyway, Matthew strides into the kitchen, muttering away. Carl's sitting at the table, looking dumbfounded as he reads the obituaries (which I often find are a suitable bit of light-hearted entertainment to accompany one's breakfast). And, you'll never guess, but someone has died! God, death's everywhere nowadays, isn't it? When you start reading about that sort of thing in the obituaries, you know it's a world gone mad! Oh no, wait, the reason he's shocked is that Grace's mother has apparently died. But on the bright side, Carl, at least there'll be no awkward meetings with the in-laws now! Look positive.
In the back room of the Woolpack, Lexi chastises Chas for not holding the truck driver up longer 
while she sifted through every bottle in the world looking for one tiny necklace. For future reference, Lexi, if you need someone to run interference for that long, you're better off hiring Godot. Anyway, Lexi reckons Chas should have used her womanly wiles to lure him into, er, the bathroom. Chas explains that a girl "has to have a limit". Can I just pause here for a moment to remind you that this is the same girl who recently SEXED A COMPLETE STRANGER TO DEATH? Homicide isn't a viable limit for her, but sex in the toilets? Why, that's just plain unhygienic!
Debbie is (perhaps not) surprisingly unbothered by the whole situation: "We took a risk, it didn't pay off, that's life." OH, WE CAN ONLY WONDER WHAT OTHER EXTERNAL FACTORS COULD POSSIBLY BE AFFECTING HER LAID-BACK AMBIVALENCE! She suggests that they try their luck again at an upcoming Holidays Abroad exhibition (I reckon it'll go something along the lines of, "So, you fancy a holiday in sun-soaked
Meanwhile, at Mill Cottage, Rosemary is giving Perdy a friendly hug. A friendly hug of DEATH. "How are you?" she asks. "You look wonderful! ...Bugger". Perdy apologies for her earlier mad behaviour, while Grayson smiles smugly, proud at this exciting new trick he has taught her. (And when you pat her on the head, she sits down and wags her tail!)
At Home Farm, Rodney fearlessly calls Bruce out on his DASTARDLY SCHEME. Bruce is left a bit confused by all this (quite understandably, because he hasn't got the foggiest what Rodney's actually on about). On the other hand, he's evidently not got an exactly squeaky-clean record -- so maybe, unbeknownst to us all, Debbie Dingle is not in fact working for the very forces of Evil, but actually for great justice!
Nah, that's a bit mad.
Deb's in the pub, very subtly loudly discussing the Scam of the Century with Eric. In public. Just as Lexi comes behind the bar. Nice move, Debbie! Funnily enough, Lexi seems to be (very slowly) twigging that Something Might Be Up! Well, I have no idea how, Debbie, not after you covered your trail with such elaborately well-planned cunning!! Honestly. I remember the days when criminals had to work for their stolen goods!
"Well!" says Laurel's father as he, Hilary, Laurel and Ashley sit around the table at the vicarage, "That hit the spot!" 
He does indeed seem reasonably satisfied -- I don't know, these vicars' families with their fetishes for incestuous swinging! What can you do with them! Hilary's less impressed, though: she doesn't like 'lettuce' (clearly some sort of sophisticated swinger's slang that I'm not privy to, being neither sophisticated nor a swinger. There is also a small off-chance that she actually is talking about the large pile of lettuce in front of her. I DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT A MIND-READER!). In fact, she announces, she and Doug are leaving! Right away! In an over-dramatic, flouncy sort of way! Because Laurel was mean!
At Hotten police station, Grace is sitting glumly at her desk, just as DCI Vikesh "I Had To Cut Down An Awful Lot Of Forests To Become This Wooden, Let Me Tell You!" Dasari enters. Woodenly. In a wooden sort of way, he asks her if she should be back at work this soon (obviously he was banking on using her office to store some planks while she was away). He looks mildly sympathetic in the same way as a tree might, until a lady comes in and whisks him away because there is a 'criminal' he needs to 'catch'. This is in fact Clever Policeman Talk for 'because he is late for his wood whittling course'.
Back at Mill Cottage, Gray has given his puppy -- er, sorry, Perdy! -- special permission to sit on the sofa! But just this once, and only if she's good and doesn't leave muddy pawprints all over the embroidery. Gray apologises for, y'know, sending her to a mental institution because his mother asked him to, explaining that he only really did it because he loved her! Which is perfectly understandable. I always get my loved ones sectioned! It's an essential ingredient for a healthy modern relationship! Anyway, he says, that's all water under the bridge now, because things are looking up, and "what could possibly go wrong?".
Rosemary saunters in. You called?
At the vicarage, Ashley feels it best to admit to Laurel that Emily did in fact make a pass at his irresistable holy man-meat. Laurel is, quite understandably, not hugely threatened by the whole situation, because she's "not exactly Beyonce". Personally, I think she needs to wise up a bit - it's only a matter of time until... well, if not Beyonce, then one of the lesser, not so attractive, members of Destiny's Child gets their claws into that Casanova-like, nubile hunk of a... vicar! Open your eyes, Laurel, you blind fool!
And we're back to the garage, where Bruce catches up with young Debbie. And promptly starts trying to strangle her. You know, I'm really starting to warm to this bloke!
Laurel, in the meantime, apologises to her mother, admitting that Emily is really a brazen hussy -- but at the same time, she's all, "Butt out please, bitch!". In slightly nicer, more vicar's wife appropriate words, obviously, but the gist is definitely there.
As Bruce continues to (increasingly unconvincingly) threaten Debbie, she, in turn, provides an unconvincing cover story. I think they're in the garage at the moment, but if I'm honest, I'm not really convinced anymore. Debbie calls out to a passing Eli that Bruce is trying to kill her. Eli just smiles cheerfully. You can't blame him, poor bloke, it's the best news he's had in ages.
But then Bruce slaps Debbie round the face, and clearly this is what Eli's (quite unconventional and incredibly short) book of ethics defines as 'crossing the line': "Now, that's not nice, mate," he says, pulling Bruce off Debbie (dangling your own brother off a roof, on the other hand, is what we class as 'lovely'). Bruce knocks him flying. Now, hang on a minute: strangling Debbie and giving Eli a mild concussion, all in one day? This man is my hero! He's a bit like the new Mother Theresa, only if she'd ditched that limiting anti-violence ethos! Unfortunately, Eli's had his whole lifetime to get used to a bit of minor brain damage, and ends up unequivocally winning the fight. And when Bruce gets out his mobile, Eli reminds him that he was sort of the one who started trying to kill Debbie in the first place (although, God knows, there's no court in the country that'd prosecute him). He glares for a bit, then leaves. Poor Bruce. And I had such high hopes.
Afterwards, Debbie smiles (at which point, at least twelve viewers die of abject shock -- I think the producers need to be very careful about letting Debbie try out any facial expression other than 'stormy', 'sulky' and 'a bit annoyed': there are some frail people watching this programme, and they do not want a massacre on their hands) and tells Eli that they both know why he saved her. Actually, I'm not entirely sure, but I've narrowed it down to a shortlist of likely candidates, most of which involve 'sex', 'money', 'blackmail', or possibly all three. "Because I'm a decent bloke, Deb," Eli clarifies. 
ODDLY ENOUGH THAT WAS NOT ON MY LIST.
Back at the pub, Rodney is gleeful while Paul stands behind the bar, Being Useless. OH WHAT A RADICAL SHIFT IN CHARACTERISATION! Honest to God, if someone stuck a lampshade on that man's head, no one would even notice he was there! That is, obviously, until a few weeks later when the punters might start to wonder when exactly the pub's sort furnishings had become so self-righteous. Anyway, "whatever happened to integrity?" asks Rodney. Integrity Dingle? Don't think I remember her, but 'prison' is probably a safe guess.
Rodney produces the necklace for the benefit of Chas and Lexi, who twitch slightly, and smashes it under a beer glass. Oh, Rodders, aren't you clumsy. "How did he get that?" asks Lexi, who clearly has not been watching the programme. "More to the point," says Chas, "diamonds don't shatter..."
I think the word you're looking for there, Chastity, is 'OWNED'.
Meanwhile at Mill Cottage, Grayson rewards Perdy for her good behaviour by letting her go for walkies. She is very excited by the prospect and bounds about a lot. This dog-owner dynamic evidently seems to work for them. Rosemary, on the other hand, is upset that a) Perdy has not drunk her POISONED orange juice, and b) is being allowed to go for a walk without a sensible leash. Thwarted, Rosemary!
At the Woolpack, Belle gets back from the infernal flames of the Underworld school, and announces that she's won the C-O-M-P-E-T-I-T-I-O-N (Zak: "Completion?"). My god, that child is P-A-I-N-F-U-L-L-Y I-R-R-I-T-A-T-I-N-G.
And, over at the bar, Debbie is once more Masterfully Subtle about her complete lack of emotion regarding the Necklace Debacle. OH NO WAIT SHE'S NOT.
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