Perdy is on the phone to Matthew. "I think," she says, "You-Know-Who might be about to get her collar felt!" Now, in case you, like me, are marginally slow on the uptake, here are a few (well two) points of clarification regarding this sentence:
1. When she says, 'You-Know-Who', Perdy is probably aiming more along the lines of 'Rosemary, my mother-in-law' than 'Lord Voldemort, fictional Dark Lord'. This, however, is never actually made explicit.
2. 'Getting your collar felt' is quite probably intended in an idiomatic way. What Perdy is saying is that, since her visit to the police station, Rosemary might be in a spot of bother with the boys in blue. What she is probably not implying is that Rosemary has an exceptionally nice collar.
She explains that she had been sure Rosemary had doctored her fruit juice because of her eagerness for Perdy to drink it (it would, incidentally, be a brilliant twist if it turned out that there was actually nothing wrong with the juice at all, and that Rosemary only pretended to be a Minion of Evil because she feared that people might laugh at her childhood dream of becoming a purveyor of fine fruit juices).
Now, you'd be forgiven for thinking that Perdy might at least have... waited until Rosemary had actually LEFT THE HOUSE before revealing every detail of her plan. Out loud. She has, however, evidently been attending Debbie Dingle's 'Covering Your Tracks 101' lessons, because Rosemary is in fact standing a couple of metres away from her. And, judging by the look on her face, there is a WILD POSSIBILITY that she might have somehow cracked Perdy's ingenious code! I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S PRACTICALLY INCONCEIVABLE.
"Does she know that you've done this?" asks Matthew.
"No, no," says Perdy, who has clearly ordered her dialogue with a side serving of Dramatic Irony. ("Why, it's not like she's standing in the hallway as we speak!"
"...Oh no, my bad, there she is.")
Over at the cafe, David, Betty and Jasmine are having an emergency staff meeting.
BETTY: "He's buttering us up because he's going to lay one of us off!"
And unless he's got a bit of a thing for (astronomically) older women Betty, he's probably going to pick his young and gorgeous girlfriend over you! For obvious (though unprintable) reasons!
DAVID: "I've decided I'm not going to take this lying down."
Oh. Okay, take back what I just said then.
It's okay, though, because David has a Plan to defeat DeSouza once and for all! And if it's the sort of Plan that involves someone chopping all his hair off and confiscating his gel, it is possible I may weep with joy.
Over at Andy and Jo's, Andy's divorce from Katie has finally been finalised. Apparently though, it's "not something I'd want to celebrate about". Andy, mate, here's a bit of friendly advice for life in general: when your new girlfriend asks whether you're pleased about finally being free from your ex-wife, the woman from whose clutches she snatched you, unless you want something implanted in your person that wasn't there before, you do not hesitate!
You do everything you can, stopping at no lengths, to communicate your INTENSE AND INDESCRIBABLE JOY at this turn of events: fashion a costume from the divorce papers, perhaps, and wear it while performing some sort of interpretative divorce dance, or possibly while putting on a one-man musical of your own writing, entitled something like "FREE! The Musical: One Thousand Reasons Why I'm Happy I Divorced Katie And Ended Up With YOU, JO STILES!!". You know, something along those lines.
Jo suggests they might go on holiday to celebrate. Honestly. My suggestions were both more cost-effective and craftsy!
Katie is less happy about the situation, but Rosemary kindly reassures her, telling her that she'll find someone else in no time.
(not particularly) Hidden Subtext: LIKE FOR INSTANCE MY SON.
Katie remarks that Perdy looked much happier the other evening. Rosemary, on the other hand, reckons that they let her out too soon. Oh, Rosemary! How you continue to surprise me with your unexpected and unprecedented views!
(I loathe my daughter-in-law. Do I:
a) rejoice that she is finally back in the warm and welcoming bosom of her family, or
b) OH GOD SEND HER BACK SEND HER BACK WHY IS SHE STILL ALIVE DOESN'T SHE KNOW THAT THAT IS THE ONE PART OF HER PERSONALITY THAT REALLY ANNOYS ME SEND HER BACK RIGHT NOW!!
It's a tough one, so I'll give you a minute or two to think about it.)
Rosemary "accidentally mentions" that she "thinks" she "saw something" that morning ("Oh aren't I silly letting these things slip! Tum-te-tum.") and Katie falls for the bait like, I don't know, a particularly easily fooled fish. "I like Perdy," she says, urging Rosemary to tell her all the details, "I might be able to help her." ("Okay, so it's still a rough plan, and I haven't ironed out the finer details yet, but basically I thought I could give her a bit of a helping hand by, I dunno, stealing her husband? Obviously I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's the sort of thing that really gives comfort and support to mentally unbalanced women!").
"I was bringing her some tea," says Rosemary, "and I thought I saw her put something in the drawer of the bureau. And it looked like... a large bag of pills!" And did it by any chance have a big red sticker on it saying 'PERDY'S SUICIDE STASH: ROSEMARY KEEP OUT!', issued by the Department of Being Obvious?
Then she tells Katie "not" to tell Grayson *, because telling Grayson would be "very very bad". ** But obviously, she has "nothing to do with it". ***
* Translation: "WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING HERE? WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD GRAYSON YET? I ASK YOU TO DO ONE THING...!"
** Translation: "IF YOU DO NOT TELL GRAYSON I AM AFRAID I WILL HAVE TO KILL EVERYONE YOU HAVE EVER HELD DEAR TO YOU. THAT'S JUST THE WAY I ROLL!"
*** Translation: "Oh and do you think you could pick me up some more pills from the doctor on your way back, dear? I've just about run out!"
We are left only to wonder what decision Katie might make!
Meanwhile, Betty is looking for some paint stripper. "What does she want paint stripper for?" asks a bemused Alan. I'm no expert, but I think it's traditionally used for such unlikely tasks as stripping paint, Alan, although obviously it's just as possible she might be planning on sniffing it on a street corner with Sandy.
At the vicarage, Laurel says to Ashley, "It's so nice to be alone at last!", which, as everyone knows, is the cue for everyone in the village to form an orderly queue and file into your home one by one with urgent problems about pressing things like lost goats and disputes about sheep (just as in Soapland "I just know we're going to be together forever: you're the only one for me!" actually means "I just know that in a matter of hours you will die in a freak accident while I engage in lurid sexual acts with your best friend, your mother and your dog!").
And then the doorbell rings: Laurel and Ashley are left exhasperated. If these people would just listen to me every once in a while! It's Bishop George (by the way, have we checked his credentials? Are we sure he's a proper bishop? Why doesn't he have the right sort of hat?)! He's come to visit for the day! How lovely! And he wants to use the bathroom! How wonderful!
At the pub, meanwhile, Betty and Jasmine are sabotaging DeSouza's cleaning products with the paint stripper! Okay, so they might not actually be stripping any paint, but YOU WATCH if they don't go and get high in the park the minute they're done.
At the cafe, Jo is rubbing Katie's nose in the holiday she's planning with Andy. The important thing to remember though, says sometimes-gay-but-not-today Gray, is that she can't hold a candle to Katie. For the sake of health and safety, she probably shouldn't try holding one to Betty and Jasmine either, because I think all that paint stripper might well explode.
As Laurel stocks up on food supplies at the shop, she tells Emily that George has landed on them unexpectedly. And this, boys and girls, is why you should always look out for low-flying bishops. And then she invites Emily over to join them for lunch -- watch out, Laurel, you're playing with fire there! And from my experience, vergers are a bloody pain to put out.
Emily looks reluctant, but agrees to come after she hears that Ashley was supposedly the one who wanted her to -- be fair, she's only human, and it's unrealistic to expect her (or any other defenceless woman) to resist Ashley's hunky charms (had he not followed the call of our Lord, he most likely would have joined the Chippendales).
"Why didn't she want you to tell me?" Gray asks Katie at the cafe. I have been through this: I really wish these people would catch up! Anyway, alarmed at the gravity of the situation, Grayson practically sprints out of the cafe, so desperate is he to get back home as quickly as possible. Well, once he's given Katie a bit of a kiss, anyway. Suicidal wife or no suicidal wife, there is still such a thing as good manners!
When he gets back to Mill Cottage, he rifles through the drawer in the living room, only to find a bottle of whiskey and a bag of pills. What is this, a chest of emo cliches? What's in the next drawer, a 'slitting your wrists in the bath in the dark while listening to Morrissey' kit? At this point, Perdy appears, only to discover Gray holding the whiskey and pills and looking depressed. Naturally, she's confused by the situation. And maybe wondering why exactly her husband seems to have been driven to suicide.
She tells Grayson that she's never seen these things before in her life. "Then how did they get there?" he asks. Ooh, it's a conundrum, isn't it! It wasn't him and it wasn't Perdy... oh, if only there were a third person living in the house who could possibly have done such a thing! ...Ah, well, there's not, clearly Perdy's mad.
He tells her not to start blaming his mother again and Perdy, genuinely terrified, realises they might use this as evidence to send her back to the hospital again. She pours the pills down the sink (the rats in the sewer are going to have a party tonight!) and gets Gray to promise never to lock her up again. Except maybe in the good way.
In the pub, David and Jasmine have won the contract back -- but at a price! Why is it that whenever people nowadays come up with these nefarious plots to sabotage rival cleaning companies (which they do, okay, frequently), they never think of the innocent victims, the polished wood surfaces? The heartless cads. And Andy tells Jo that they can't afford to go on holiday anymore thanks to Katie's enormous legal fees. "Is that it then?" asks Jo. "We're just not going?" Of course you aren't, Jo, you're only a minor subplot!
Over at the vicarage, during lunch, Emily asks Bishop George whether he's looking for a new housekeeper yet. Too soon, Emily! It's almost like she doesn't know that there are very specific Biblical rules regarding this sort of situation ("01 And Yea, verily the Lord did say to the Promiscuous Verger, "When Thine Bishop's Housekeeper hath passed unto Me in a manner most Tragic, thou shalt not enquire as to Possible Job Openings until precisely Three Monthes, Two Weekes and Five Dayes hath passed!" 02 And then He did Add: "And keep thine hands off Ashley, you Common Tart!")
As the representative of DeSouza provides David with a summons for the next morning, George leaves Ashley and Laurel, mentioning that he might spend a few quiet moments at the grave before heading back. This might just be my cynical nature, but when he says 'grave', does he mean 'pub'?
And at Mill Cottage, Rosemary tells Grayson that she's sure the doctors will send Perdy back if he tells them about the pills. "She's not going back!" he tells her. How I love the sound of evil backfiring in the afternoon! I'd buy the audiobook if I could.
Meanwhile, Matthew tells Perdy he doesn't think she should go back to Gray tonight. And, in order to successfully fulfil all my duties in my official role of Shallowest Person In The Universe and be eligible to win a free toaster, could I just point out that this has the potential to be the most attractive love triangle ever?
Or maybe it hasn't, because as they speak, Rosemary is (very badly) forging a suicide note in Perdy's handwriting...
(Oh, and there was also a storyline about Jamie and some parcels getting mixed up that I forgot to mention, but the fact that this recap didn't really lose anything without it probably tells you ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW) (Oh, and Pollard uses anti-aging cream. Blimey, either it's incredibly faulty, or he's actually 102.)
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