MONDAY 17th SEPTEMBER 2007

• Scarlett, who apparently has forgotten about the time that she made a complete fool out of her in front of Daz (whatever happened to long-term grudges possibly culminating in some sort of homicide, that's what I want to know!), chats to Victoria a bit, before being forced to defuse the tension after Carrie inadvertently insults Lexi. She does this by telling them that she wishes she had a sister!
  
  Hang on a minute --
  
  TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHWWWWAACK!!
  
  Sorry, don't mind me, that's just the noise of the Emmerdale writing team bashing me around the head with a whopping great sister-shaped signpost. Don't worry, I probably only have a minor concussion.
  
  
  
• After talking to Debbie, who might I say does absolutely nothing to invite any sort of suspicion and I am shocked and frankly insulted that anyone might suggest she might (these outlandish claims are almost as preposterous as that one time when someone accused me of 'sarcasm'. I cried for weeks.), Lexi makes a call -- and, in doing so, makes it clear that she's not familiar with the ancient Chinese proverb which translates to something along the lines of "A phone call which starts with 'Eli' will never end well." (Also something about a hidden tiger and some homicidal grasshoppers, but that's maybe less applicable to the situation at hand).
  
  
  
• Victoria continues to map out her family tree (tree? Tree? They could have an entire bloody orchard and still be pushed for space!) and reassures Jack that Billy won't be included in it. This is handy, because presumably Diane will be listed, and I'm not sure whether or not genealogists worldwide have come to any one decision regarding which symbol should be used on family trees to represent 'SECRETLY (BUT ALSO QUITE BLATANTLY) LUSTING AFTER -- OH HOW THEY YEARN!' yet.
  
  
  
• Scarlett is ever-oblivious to the reason for Carrie's epic bitterness towards Lexi.
  
  
• Ooh yes, it's a mystery, isn't it.
  
  
• No, but seriously, she's discovered her father was a millionaire, yet we're expected to somehow believe she can't afford to shell out a measly £1.20 for Inside Soap magazine? EMMERDALE, AS A SOAP RENOWNED FOR ITS GRITTY AND WELL-RESEARCHED REALISM, THIS TIME YOU HAVE FAILED ME.
  
  
  
• Victoria tells Jack that she remembers Robert being "so angry" when their mother died. Jack makes some non-committal noises to signal that he's not exactly sure what on earth could have sparked such an unwarranted reaction. "I thought I'd raised my son to be calm and maybe even grateful when Andy Sugden killed his mother! Apparently I didn't know him at all."
  
  
• She also wishes that Robert would come home. "He will, one day," says Jack. "As soon as he's given up all that 'Kingdom' nonsense. To think, a lad of mine, starring in an ITV teatime drama with Stephen Fry! He has brought shame upon this whole family."
  
  
  
• Eli is sort of half in cahoots with Lexi, whilst all the while trying to convince her not to do anything too drastic to Debbie. This seems to be -- and this one will tickle you! -- because he reckons he might actually have a chance with both of them, although maybe he just doesn't want to die not having known the touch of a woman who didn't share his surname. He tells Lexi that he'd be "gutted" if she left. "Hoping for a jump?" she asks him in return. It pays testament to how incredibly far separated 'Eli' and 'activities of a sexual nature' are in my brain (I don't think they even share the same lobe) that my first thought after hearing 'jump' was '...trampoline?'.
  
  
  
• Debbie finally gives herself away -- and it's taken long enough! She could have spent the last few months walking around the village wearing a stripy jumper, a pair of tights over her head, and a bag marked 'SWAG', and people still would have said, "Oooh, that lovely Debbie Dingle, isn't she a little angel?". And at the same time, Lexi starts preparing the groundwork for her thesis on 'Punches in the Face, and People who Deserve Them'.
  
  
• You've already seen this, but there's no harm in reliving the precise moment when Lexi became, in my estimation, She Who Can Do No Wrong. Genuinely, even if she now goes on to have some sort of gay affair with Grayson behind Perdy's back (OKAY, OKAY, IT'S ONLY A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION, THERE IS NO NEED TO ACTUALLY WORK OUT ALL THE TECHNICALITIES YET), I will simply pat her lovingly on the head and say, "Oh, Lexi, aren't you a silly-billy! Now hit Debbie again!". And then step back very quickly in case she slaps me:
  
  

SLAP COUNT: 1


ATTEMPTED STRANGULATION COUNT: 1


PUNCH COUNT: 4


"OH MY GOD THIS WOMAN IS AMAZING" COUNT: INFINITY

(There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, just get Lexi to smack a bitch up.)

• Lexi then chucks the necklace down the drain (it'll be like Christmas has come early when that washes up in the water supply of a some tiny African village where no one's eaten since 1962! Unfortunately, though, it might not taste that great) and tells Carrie that she wishes it had been her she was hitting. Honestly. I remember the days when children were seen and not heard. Well, actually, I don't, because I wasn't born in 1832, but I do at least remember the days when children worked out their problems on the Jeremy Kyle show, not by brawling on the street like common filth! At least I still have standards.
  
  
  
• Val catches Victoria, who is smoking. As opposed to Lexi, who is smoking hot.
  
  
• I should perhaps be slightly more alarmed that violence suddenly appears to be a massive turn-on for me.
  
  
  
• Zak gets his stake money, which makes Lisa very shrill indeed. Maybe she's more partial to beef.
  
  
• Even I am shocked at how appalling that joke was.
  
  
  
• And the truth finally comes out: that Carrie is Lexi's mother!
  
  
• No! Gosh! Whoever would have thought it! I for one am flabberghasted! etc etc etc.