SUNDAY 9th SEPTEMBER 2007

So, there I was, all prepared to write the most incredible recap of an episode of Emmerdale the world has ever seen. Well, I say 'the world', but obviously I mean 'the people in the world who actually watch Emmerdale'. Okay more specifically, 'the people in the world who watch Emmerdale and read this blog'. Alright! Fine! The most incredible recap of an episode of Emmerdale my mum has ever seen!

But then... well. This happened:

And, well, you could say I lost my train of thought. You could say that, but if you did so, you would probably be eligible for some sort of commemorative gold plaque celebrating your outstanding contributions to the field of Understating Things.

So, er, basically -- WELL PLAYED, PRODUCTION TEAM.

Some other things probably happened in last night's Emmerdale too, but regrettably they were all fully-clothed when they were doing it. IT'S ALMOST LIKE THESE PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE FEATURED ON THIS BLOG. Come on, work at it!

By the way, talking of Carl being naked (and if we weren't, then I can't think of any sensible reason why not), my mum told me last night that she thinks Carl has abnormal nipples, but can't articulate precisely why she should bring such a slur to these most magestic of teats. (Emmerdale: Bringing Families Together Since 1972, Nipple By Nipple). Anyway, they look normal enough to me, as far as nipples go, so basically, this is where you come in. What do you think about Carl's nipples? Do you think about Carl's nipples? How often? Please email me your thoughts, with regards to size, colour, texture and quantity, to the usual address, with the subject header 'Emmerdale Nipplewatch'. This is so I can easily differentiate between this and all the other nipple-related emails in my inbox, you understand.

Incidentally, it would make me feel a lot better about my life if this was the silliest thing I'd ever published on the Internet, where actual proper humans might have a chance (admittedly, an outside one) of actually seeing it. Or at least in the top hundred.

In other news...


Carrie is jealous of Louise because she gets "a night of passion with a young man in a uniform". Well, yes, while this is strictly true, I think we need to put things in perspective a bit here: a POSTMAN's uniform. Although delivering the post is undeniably an important responsibility, without which society as we know it would CRUMBLE, or at least COMPLAIN ABOUT ITS PHONE BILLS MORE, the impact of 'postman' isn't really in the same league as 'fireman' or 'policeman', is it? I mean, if you slather a postman in oil, he drops his letters! IT'S JUST NOT PRACTICAL.

Anyway, the cracks are beginning to show in Louise and Jamie's relationship: Jamie's "sex now, talk later... oh sorry did I say 'talk'? I meant 'MORE SEX!!'" attitude just isn't compatible with Louise's apparently advancing years (and music taste). At this rate, she might put her back out. While listening to some manufactured '60s pop music. (IT HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN YOU'D THINK!)

In other other news...

• Babies like to wee on Ashley. Which leads me to wonder, can vicars bless all fluids, or is it limited only to water? Does the child of a priest come fully equipped with Holy Urine? The Bible is not clear on this! In any case, I think that would definitely be useful: sometimes you just can't be bothered to nip back to the church every time there's a dramatic last-minute parish blessing emergency!
  
  
• Doug is showing dangerous signs of falling into the Emmerdale's Bad Crowd (or 'Zak and Shadrach', as they are known by day). You mark my words, he'll be tickling trout behind the bike sheds soon!
  
  
• David is being UNDERCUT by a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER. This is unfortunately not nearly as hot as it initially sounds.
  
  
• Debbie is, as ever, a MASTER OF SUBTLETY.
  
  
• Grayson and Perdy are incredibly cute. Also, in desperate need of a room.
  
  
  
  
• Eli has a big mouth.
  
  
  
  
• Rosemary is evil.
  
  
  
  
• Several of the above might not actually technically be classed as 'news'.

OH BY THE WAY DID I MENTION...



Anyway, I'll see you again tomorrow, with a more full recap of the day's happenings, and-- OH FORGET IT. I am making no promises until I know exactly who's wearing clothes and when.